How to Avoid "Losing It"!
Parenting has been the greatest joy in my life, but it has, at times, also been the greatest challenge. I would imagine this is true for just about all parents, probably particularly so for stay-at-home moms who rarely get a break, like I was when my own three children were newborns, toddlers, and preschoolers.
The day-to-day toil of keeping our house and taking care of three children whose needs seemed to be all-consuming – just as I would take care of one child’s need for a bottle, the next would need a diaper changed, one would need a snack, and another would need consoling for an “owie” with a kiss and a Sesame Street Band-aid – was often more than I could handle. Honestly, I’m surprised I wasn’t more overwhelmed than I was.
But not all moms (or dads!) will admit moments of feeling overwhelmed, moments when they just want to walk out the door and never come back, moments when they feel as though they might just lose it if someone else needs one more thing from them.
Though it can be awfully difficult to identify the oncoming storm of lost patience and inevitable yelling, it is possible to tame it if you learn how. If you learn to become aware of encroaching anger and tension, you can work to alleviate it with minimal damage to your dignity. Like most everything we learn in life, dealing with children when you are under extreme stress is a learned skill.
Hopefully, the following will help you as much as they did me:
- Identify physical signs of stress. Pay attention to yourself as you begin the ascent to explosion; is your head pounding, are your hands fidgety, does your stomach ache or feel queasy? Becoming aware of these first signs is the first step toward controlling your seemingly uncontrollable reaction.
- Take action. Find something that will relieve the stress that has built up so you won’t take it out on your child(ren). This will be different for everyone; some have found writing in a journal, taking a shower, doing creative visualization, and aerobic exercise helpful. For me, the answer was a punching bag. I bought small punching bags for my tiny kiddos as well. When I’d had enough, I’d say, “it’s boxing time!” and we’d all don our gloves and box for 10 minutes. The kids enjoyed it and by the time we were done, we were all laughing and everyone was ready for a cup of Koolaid and some cookies. If I had a baby at the time, I would set him or her on the floor nearby; or if the baby was the “problem” I would let him or her cry it out in his or her crib (there’s never been a baby who was harmed by 10 minutes of crying; there has, however, been a baby injured by someone who hasn’t realized they were under too much stress to handle the situation in the moment).
- Take a time out. This actually works better on adults than it does on children if you ask me! If your child understands the concept of a time out, he or she will understand that you need some time alone to think about how you can get along, so when you feel on the verge of exploding, put the kids in their rooms to keep them safe (in their cribs if they still sleep in one) and take a time out in your own room. Listen to some music you enjoy, rock back and forth, scream into your pillow, take a shower, etc., just do whatever it is you need to do for 5 or 10 minutes to regain your composure.
- Talk to your child. If you do “lose it,” tell your child how upset you were; explaining these feeling can help your child understand why you have yelled, slammed doors or cupboards, or stomped about. Let them know they aren’t blamed or unloved in any way, that you are just having a hard day. If your child is old enough, talk with him or her about when he or she has had a bad day and how they felt.
- Have activities outside of your home to which you can take your children. I often took my own children to McDonald’s and Burger King for an afternoon of playing in their balls and climbing tubes. It gave me a much needed break from the hubbub at home, and they thoroughly enjoyed their time out of the house.
- Don’t hesitate to apologize. Your kids can understand that you, too, are human, so apologize to them when you lose control; they will respect you for it and will learn the art of apologizing when you know you have done something wrong.
If you try everything you can to stay in control by following the steps above or any other tips and tricks you come across online or in books, but still lose your temper in a way that could be harmful to yourself or your children (or anyone else), seek immediate help by calling a friend, a relative, a neighbor, or even a local hotline so you can keep yourself and those around you safe.
Really nice and helpfull one Stacey.
I there is no doubt that your kids will love you and respect you!
Keep going!